I’ve been reading a lot recently on various blogs and websites (as well as a few books) about kink. Not the sexy kind of writing though, I was reading about the practical stuff. How to negotiate a scene, how to meet a dom/sub, different opinions on how to get started, advice on how to handle it emotionally when you admit to yourself that you have some fantasies that don’t fall into your understanding of ‘normal,’ and other stuff like that. I used to read those kinds of articles and blogs a lot, back when I was still trying to figure out my own sexuality. What struck me now, and the reason I’ve been so fascinated with it, is how different my experience was from what almost everyone describes.
Maybe it’s a generational thing. Maybe most people who have enough experience with kink to feel like they can give others advice have been at it for so long that they are necessarily of another generation. Or maybe it was so much harder ‘coming out’ back then so now they feel obligated to help the younger generation. Or maybe it’s just me and everyone else in my generation still had to deal with a lot of those issues that I’m always reading about and never experienced.
For example, I never felt shame about my kinky fantasies. I’ve been fantasizing about being dominated since I was in 5th or 6th grade. I didn’t even know it wasn’t ‘normal’ back then. Then when I was a freshman in high school I met a friend of a friend’s who was dating a guy from the BDSM scene. Like all young romances, all she could do was talk about him and all the bondage, discipline, and impact play they were doing. Everything just clicked as I listened to her talk. I finally had a name for what I felt. Because I’m part of the internet generation I could find out everything I wanted about BDSM and kink in a matter of hours (do over 18 warnings ever work?). That was the first time I came across anything that suggested people should feel ashamed of their sexuality. It didn’t work, I still felt fine.
Fast forward a few years. I’m a senior in high school and I’m desperate to lose my virginity before I leave for college. My boyfriend is happy to oblige and suddenly all my adolescent fantasies seem so naive. I’m perfectly content with vanilla sex and it’s so exciting exploring and learning about my body and his. I eventually get bored and start thinking about all those things I used to fantasize about. I tell him not really knowing how he’ll react – after all so many older, more experienced people were writing about how hard it was to tell people. He thinks it’s hot (like every guy I’ve ever told) and we decide to try it out. We mess around with some stuff, nothing serious, for a while but eventually I realize he’s not good for me and leave him.
Fast forward a few more years. I read more articles and blogs online. They’re telling me how hard it is to meet a dom/sub, that if I want to find someone who can fulfill me sexually I have to look for a dom in the community and not a boyfriend in real life. I decide that having a partner is more important than having a dom, so I don’t look for one. Instead I meet Amor. He’s sweet and a little geeky and doesn’t even kiss me until our third date. He’s just so respectful. He’s definitely not the dom type, but he’s just so wonderful. We fall in love. I share some of my kinks, asking that he not be weirded out because we don’t have to do anything he doesn’t like and vanilla sex is totally fine if that’s all he wants. He thinks it’s hot.
But, he’s never tried anything BDSM related before. So I go back online. I search for a long time for advice for couples who are perfectly happy with their sex life but want to learn more about BDSM. Nothing. There’s advice on how to find a dom/sub, advice on how to tie ropes and use safewords, there’s advice on how to save your failing relationship with some DD, or how to have a ‘master’ and a husband at the same time. But nothing that would really help us. So for a while we don’t try anything new. A little at a time we start adding toys but it’s pretty expensive to buy stuff that you might not even like.
So we go to a local kink community event. Our particular local organization does a wonderful job of introducing people to everything in the kink world. Finally we meet some people our own age and a bit older who are happy and kinky and more or less know what they’re doing. With a little help getting started we’ve managed to find our own way since then.
I realize now how very lucky I was. I figured out my kinks when I was very young, I was introduced to BDSM in a positive environment, and I was lucky to find a partner who not only has the same sex drive and kinky desires as me, but also someone whom I can love and admire outside of the bedroom.
*note: I really meant to finish Part 2 of my last post by now, but I’ve been kinda out of it this week. I’ll do my best to have it done tomorrow